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Saturday, 20 September 2014

Justin Bieber's penis.

Last night at the Gossip Grill, San Diego, where I'd gone to have a drink with my friend, a very pretty and very loud young man came and stood in front of the table we were sitting at.
'Right,' squealed the young man, who was wearing a tight green tee shirt and very short curly hair, 'I wanna know which one of you ladies are lesbians?'
There were 5 other women sat at the table, some talking to each other, some just smoking and drinking, and then me and my friend, she with her martini and me with my soda water.
'You,' he screeched, pointing at the woman closest to him, 'are YOU a lesbian?'
The woman laughed, blew cigarette smoke into the air and nodded.
Of course I'm a lesbian, she said, 'why else would I be here?'
Then the young man did the same to the woman next to her, who nodded her head and laughed.
But before he could point and shriek at my friend who was next in line, I held up my hand and said- 'NO, she is not a lesbian, but quite clearly I am. And why is it of such interest to you whether we are lesbians or not. Do you need help deciding whether you are?'
At this he squealed like a toddler and flapped his hands together like a little gay seal pup.
Then suddenly he ran down to our end of the table and took out his phone.
'Look at this,' he said, showing us a picture of what looked to be Justin Bieber.
'So?' I said, becoming more and more irritated this young man's theatrics, 'it's Justin Bieber...I think...with his tongue out. And, really, dude, I'm the same age as your grandmother, probably, so I don't really give a shit about Justin Beiber,'
'Oooh, go on, scroll down, scroll down,' he said in a filthy little whisper.
So, hoping he might disappear in a little gay puff of smoke if I agreed, I took the phone from him and scrolled down.
There, at the bottom of the image, was what seemed to be Justin Bieber's hand around Justin Bieber's penis.
'Darling,' I said looking down at him over the top of my glasses and giving him back his phone, 'I've got a bigger one of those at home in my draw.'
On hearing that news, the boy squealed, jumped up and down, did his seal pup clap and began handing the phone around to the other women at the table, shouting out "Scroll down, scroll down" like a carnival barker as he went.

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